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Nonverbal Communication
A large part of what we communicate to each other is nonverbal. What you say to people with your eyes or your body language is just as powerful as what you say with words. When you feel anxious, you might be saying "I really don't like this" with your body, while you're feeling "OMG I I didn't have time to prepare for this." These are nonverbal communication skills:
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Anxious Body Language
When we're anxious, we're so caught up in our own heads that we usually show one of these:
Passive
We call this "squashing down." This is what we do In The Moment when we feel overwhelmed and uncertain. We are often taken advantage of, feel helpless, take on everyone’s problems, say yes to inappropriate demands and thoughtless requests, and allow others to choose. The basic message is “I’m not going to cause a fuss.” We hide our emotions, don't communicate our feelings or thoughts to others or ourselves, and don't like to stand out. We feel hurt, anxious, and angry about being this way later.
Passive Body Language:
• Lack of eye contact; looking down or away
• Swaying and shifting of weight from one foot to the other.
• Verge of tears or hesitancy when speaking.
Aggressiveness
Usually we do this when we're fed up and angry. We've been quietly struggling for so long that we explode. Aggressiveness is using power, hurting others, intimidating, controlling the environment to suit our needs, and make choices for others.
Most of the time, this behavior targets our support system. We say “I'm not going to take it it and you're going to pay" to whomever is closest to us. We loudly express our thoughts and feelings, accuse others, and try to get the most for ourselves at the expense of another. We feel righteous, superior, insulting when we do it, and feel super guilty later.
Aggressive Body Language:
• Leaning forward with glaring eyes.
• Pointing a finger at the person to whom you are speaking.
• Shouting.
• Clenching fists.
• Putting hands on your hips or crossing your arms.
Passive
We call this "squashing down." This is what we do In The Moment when we feel overwhelmed and uncertain. We are often taken advantage of, feel helpless, take on everyone’s problems, say yes to inappropriate demands and thoughtless requests, and allow others to choose. The basic message is “I’m not going to cause a fuss.” We hide our emotions, don't communicate our feelings or thoughts to others or ourselves, and don't like to stand out. We feel hurt, anxious, and angry about being this way later.
Passive Body Language:
• Lack of eye contact; looking down or away
• Swaying and shifting of weight from one foot to the other.
• Verge of tears or hesitancy when speaking.
Aggressiveness
Usually we do this when we're fed up and angry. We've been quietly struggling for so long that we explode. Aggressiveness is using power, hurting others, intimidating, controlling the environment to suit our needs, and make choices for others.
Most of the time, this behavior targets our support system. We say “I'm not going to take it it and you're going to pay" to whomever is closest to us. We loudly express our thoughts and feelings, accuse others, and try to get the most for ourselves at the expense of another. We feel righteous, superior, insulting when we do it, and feel super guilty later.
Aggressive Body Language:
• Leaning forward with glaring eyes.
• Pointing a finger at the person to whom you are speaking.
• Shouting.
• Clenching fists.
• Putting hands on your hips or crossing your arms.
Neither of those behaviors leave us feeling good. But, there is a way to be in the middle.
Research has shown that socially anxious people exhibit five types of nonverbal behavior: gaze aversion, moving arms and hands, constant rocking, shaking a head, and fidgeting arms and hands.
Practicing Nonverbal Communication
While it's not essential to be super awesome at this, it is one of the things that lead us to ruminate, or obsess over, and avoid social situations.
If you have a Plan and are knee deep in managing your anxiety, it might be helpful to practice nonverbal communication by being Assertive.
Assertiveness
When we're assertive, we're acting in our own best interests, standing up for ourselves, expressing feelings honestly, in charge of ourselves in interpersonal relations, and making our own choices. The basic message sent is “I’m OK and you’re OK.”
We are emotionally honest, direct, looking out for our own needs and expressing those needs. We feel confident and self-respecting at the time and after.
Assertive Body Language:
For us, nonverbal communication makes us appear impatient or angry. We're really just anxious. So we try to use every interaction as a way to practice these techniques (unless we really are angry or impatient like at the airport)
If you have a Plan and are knee deep in managing your anxiety, it might be helpful to practice nonverbal communication by being Assertive.
Assertiveness
When we're assertive, we're acting in our own best interests, standing up for ourselves, expressing feelings honestly, in charge of ourselves in interpersonal relations, and making our own choices. The basic message sent is “I’m OK and you’re OK.”
We are emotionally honest, direct, looking out for our own needs and expressing those needs. We feel confident and self-respecting at the time and after.
Assertive Body Language:
- Posture: head up and alert, leaning forward
- Movement and gestures: keeping arms uncrossed
- Physical distance: standing closer when talking to others
- Eye contact: making appropriate eye contact when talking
- Facial expression: smiling warmly
- Volume of voice: speaking at a volume easily heard
- Tone of voice: speaking with a confident tone
For us, nonverbal communication makes us appear impatient or angry. We're really just anxious. So we try to use every interaction as a way to practice these techniques (unless we really are angry or impatient like at the airport)
- Try to practice only 1 skill at a time, so you can make sure you have mastered it before moving on to the next skill.
- You may want to ask a trusted friend or relative to give you some feedback on your non-verbal behavior. This feedback can be very useful, as often, we do not really know how we appear to others.
- If you are able to, it may be useful to videotape yourself having a conversation, and note what your body language may be communicating. Once you have identified a couple of trouble spots, practice the appropriate body language.
- You can also practice your new non-verbal skills in front of a mirror.
- Once you have gained a little confidence and practice using nonverbal communication skills at home, try it out in real interactions. It is a good idea to start small by talking to clerks, tellers, and cashiers at stores for example. Try increasing the amount of eye contact you make when talking with others; smile more and pay attention to the reactions of others. For example, is the bank teller friendlier or more chatty when you give her more eye contact and smile more?
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