We struggle with Emotional Regulation,. There's no easy way to say that. With three kids, (12, 9, and 3), it feels like a parenting fail.
As parents, we don't model this well. Because it's stinking hard! And it feels good to lash out like an angry lion.
As parents with anxiety whose childhoods were shaped by anxiety, we grew up in households that didn't really like us to be emotional. All of us with anxiety tend to repress, or stuff down, our feelings in order to just fit in. Be "normal."
We know that stuffing down feelings give you a short-term fix. Sometimes we joke about borrowing happiness from our future selves. We know happiness is the cost of putting on a brave face and pretending to be okay.
It's tricky as an adult to relearn appropriate emotional regulation when emotional regulation was taught to us as "quit behaving that way or else." It's tricky to learn as a kid because you're sorting it all out in the first place, "it's okay to be sad except when...."
Research agrees. Emotional regulation can help or hurt with anxiety.
Isn't it those feelings or fear of those feelings that make us anxious in the first place?
On the one hand, we work to hide our feelings, which makes us more anxious over time and doesn't address the core beliefs that we fear.
On the other, self-regulation is an important method of dealing with anxious feelings so that you will be able to think more clearly.
Why do we stuff down?
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When we stuff down our feeling, we are purposefully suppressing feelings. We actively try to ignore feelings that made us feel those things we're afraid of feeling, like rejection, or abandonment, or criticism.
Relying on stuffing down instead of addressing the underlying causes and symptoms of anxiety will only make your anxiety worse, causing it to increase over time until suppression is no longer an option. And actively stuffing those feelings will sooner or later turn into repression, where you don't even know you're stuffing down. Your brain automatically does it for you. In time, your brain recognizes these situations where you suppress your emotions as triggers. Gallantly, your brain helps you navigate these situations by turning on the behaviors that have worked before: making sure everyone else is okay or making things perfect or giving you an anxiety attack to warn you to run. |
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Being people-pleasers and perfectionists is our attempt to control anxiety. Our worry is excessive and out of control; we can’t shut it off.
Some of us please others because we feel anxious about fitting in, rejection, or causing offense.
For example, a person with social anxiety may feel they must do whatever their friends want in order for people to like them.
It can be a subtle attempt to control others' perceptions, but it looks like we can't stand up to peer pressure.
Most of us stuff down our feelings because we think we’re inadequate, defective, and unlovable – and we’re afraid others already know this or will find out.
We’re afraid we’ll be criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or abandoned. So, we play it safe. We stick to the coping skills we've perfected. We really work hard and lash out because we work so hard to keep our "bad feelings and behaviors" in check.
We try to be agreeable. We stuff our feelings, needs, and opinions (especially if we think they’re disagreeable or inconvenient).
Criticism and rejection are painful experiences for anyone, but we feel them especially deeply. This is usually because we’ve already been criticized or rejected and we’re afraid we will be again. Or you may have been told that you will be rejected or abandoned if you're difficult, disagreeable, opinionated, needy, imperfect, have feelings, are alive.
But, we make up so many rules for ourselves that we get lost. We shut down. We miss opportunities and happiness. The barbed wire fence we put up to protect ourselves ends up being a prison.
Some of us please others because we feel anxious about fitting in, rejection, or causing offense.
For example, a person with social anxiety may feel they must do whatever their friends want in order for people to like them.
It can be a subtle attempt to control others' perceptions, but it looks like we can't stand up to peer pressure.
Most of us stuff down our feelings because we think we’re inadequate, defective, and unlovable – and we’re afraid others already know this or will find out.
We’re afraid we’ll be criticized, embarrassed, rejected, or abandoned. So, we play it safe. We stick to the coping skills we've perfected. We really work hard and lash out because we work so hard to keep our "bad feelings and behaviors" in check.
We try to be agreeable. We stuff our feelings, needs, and opinions (especially if we think they’re disagreeable or inconvenient).
Criticism and rejection are painful experiences for anyone, but we feel them especially deeply. This is usually because we’ve already been criticized or rejected and we’re afraid we will be again. Or you may have been told that you will be rejected or abandoned if you're difficult, disagreeable, opinionated, needy, imperfect, have feelings, are alive.
But, we make up so many rules for ourselves that we get lost. We shut down. We miss opportunities and happiness. The barbed wire fence we put up to protect ourselves ends up being a prison.
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TRY THIS:
Think about a HAMBURGER. Take about 10 – 15 seconds. Think about how it went. Did you:
Sometimes this “self-talk” happens without us even knowing it. This is especially true in stressful or tense situations. Most of the time we contribute to our own emotions by talking ourselves into becoming upset or happy or sad but don’t realize even we are doing this. |
So, what do we do??
Good news, this whole site is dedicated to not repressing your feelings.
The most important step to managing your anxiety and regulating those yucky feelings is to realize there are NO RULES. A lot of people live their lives knowing this. There is no "normal." It's just a made up thing.
Here are some tips to help you with regulating your emotions:
1. Get to know You.
To manage your anxiety, you need to be comfortable with your personal identity. You need to identify and use your strengths. Identify your feelings, thoughts, triggers, and behaviors. Get to know your core beliefs and change them.
2. Take care of you.
Knowing who you are and what you stand for will help your brain not feel pressured to stuff down your needs and feelings. Then, you will be able to be more compassionate with yourself and have a high self-esteem. Learn to be assertive to stand up for your needs. Set boundaries, identify your support systems and reject peer pressure.
3. Deal with it.
Find strategies to help you cope in the moment. Learn effective ways to deal with negativity so you're not in fight or flight, or stuffing it down to make other people happy.
4. Organize it.
Make a plan to deal with it. Set goals and stick to them. Celebrate little steps you take to manage your anxiety and the negative feelings that cause it so you learn persistence, resilience, and self-efficacy (you can do it!!).
5. Focus on the Positive.
Learn how to accept feedback and criticism. Find ways to look on the bright side and give people the benefit of the doubt without losing sight of your own needs. Since we tend to ruminate, or focus, our attention on the things we do wrong, used kindness, empathy, charity, and gratitude to see the bigger picture.
6. Grow your brain.
The number one thing everyone (even those people without anxiety) can do to regulate emotions is to connect to logic. Our brain automatically shuts it down before we ask. It creates ways to deal that leave us protected at a very high cost. Rewire your brain. Read and Learn. Get out of your comfort zone. Find your spark. Use your creative thinking skills. Pave your own path without rules.
You'll find that those fears of being rejected or abandoned or embarrassed will fade. Your brain might get tired or sad or experience new emotions as you get older and will unexpectedly go into flight or fight. But you're building a foundation for dealing with feelings that give you anxiety. You'll see that the foundation will support you even in the roughest times, at no cost to future you!
The most important step to managing your anxiety and regulating those yucky feelings is to realize there are NO RULES. A lot of people live their lives knowing this. There is no "normal." It's just a made up thing.
Here are some tips to help you with regulating your emotions:
1. Get to know You.
To manage your anxiety, you need to be comfortable with your personal identity. You need to identify and use your strengths. Identify your feelings, thoughts, triggers, and behaviors. Get to know your core beliefs and change them.
2. Take care of you.
Knowing who you are and what you stand for will help your brain not feel pressured to stuff down your needs and feelings. Then, you will be able to be more compassionate with yourself and have a high self-esteem. Learn to be assertive to stand up for your needs. Set boundaries, identify your support systems and reject peer pressure.
3. Deal with it.
Find strategies to help you cope in the moment. Learn effective ways to deal with negativity so you're not in fight or flight, or stuffing it down to make other people happy.
4. Organize it.
Make a plan to deal with it. Set goals and stick to them. Celebrate little steps you take to manage your anxiety and the negative feelings that cause it so you learn persistence, resilience, and self-efficacy (you can do it!!).
5. Focus on the Positive.
Learn how to accept feedback and criticism. Find ways to look on the bright side and give people the benefit of the doubt without losing sight of your own needs. Since we tend to ruminate, or focus, our attention on the things we do wrong, used kindness, empathy, charity, and gratitude to see the bigger picture.
6. Grow your brain.
The number one thing everyone (even those people without anxiety) can do to regulate emotions is to connect to logic. Our brain automatically shuts it down before we ask. It creates ways to deal that leave us protected at a very high cost. Rewire your brain. Read and Learn. Get out of your comfort zone. Find your spark. Use your creative thinking skills. Pave your own path without rules.
You'll find that those fears of being rejected or abandoned or embarrassed will fade. Your brain might get tired or sad or experience new emotions as you get older and will unexpectedly go into flight or fight. But you're building a foundation for dealing with feelings that give you anxiety. You'll see that the foundation will support you even in the roughest times, at no cost to future you!
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