Anxiety & Conversation
Communication between two or more people involves a lot of different mental mechanisms.
One part of your brain is controlling your listening ability.
Another part of your brain is trying to figure out what the other person is saying.
Another part is figuring out what to respond with.
Another part of your brain is used to say the response.
It takes a lot of mental energy to hold a conversation!
So it should come as little surprise that when your mind is overwhelmed with anxiety it can impair your ability to communicate.
One part of your brain is controlling your listening ability.
Another part of your brain is trying to figure out what the other person is saying.
Another part is figuring out what to respond with.
Another part of your brain is used to say the response.
It takes a lot of mental energy to hold a conversation!
So it should come as little surprise that when your mind is overwhelmed with anxiety it can impair your ability to communicate.
- Overthinking When you're nervous while talking to someone else, it's not uncommon to overthink each and every word you're about to say in an effort to make sure that you say the right thing. But when you are rethinking everything you are about to say, it disrupts the natural flow of conversation.
- Tongue Stumbling Anxiety can make natural movements feel unnatural or bizarre. It's common for some automatic body movements to become less automatic because your brain focuses on that action. This can make it harder to move your tongue correctly, leading you to stumble over your words.
- Lightheadedness/Trouble Thinking/Loss of Reality In some cases of social anxiety there are several issues that can impair thinking. Anxiety can essentially overload your brain. It can cause a loss of reality which makes it nearly impossible to hear or think coherent thoughts. It can also cause lightheadedness and trouble thinking. In these cases, the impaired thinking often doesn't resolve itself until the anxiety attack has subsided and disrupted breathing gets back under your control.
- Trouble Listening Finally, when you are focused on your anxiety, it can cause trouble with listening and understanding what the other person is saying. Becoming anxiously focused on the person’s facial expressions or nonverbal communication can impact your ability to listen and pay attention to what they are saying. Anxiety about the content of the person's message may lead you to focus too much on any one particular word or phrase which can cause you to miss out on the other content that is necessary to respond correctly.
- Distracted Thinking One of the main issues caused by anxiety may be distracted thinking. You may find yourself anxiously thinking about tons of things, find yourself overly focused on the way you feel, or find yourself stuck on a particular thought. Distracted thinking makes it very hard to listen and hold a conversation, and your ability to communicate is impaired as a result.
How To Improve the Communication Process
First, you need to address your anxiety: Identify, Chill, and Plan. You need to know what your Triggers are, what you can do In the Moment, and Create The Process that works for you.
Once you have done that, you need to PRACTICE. There are many ways to practice your Plan, but mostly you need to get out there and just try. Start small and and then work up to big things like giving a presentation or going to a party where you hardly know anyone. Adventures, Kindness, and Creativity are full of ideas on how to practice.
Once you have done that, you need to PRACTICE. There are many ways to practice your Plan, but mostly you need to get out there and just try. Start small and and then work up to big things like giving a presentation or going to a party where you hardly know anyone. Adventures, Kindness, and Creativity are full of ideas on how to practice.
Some more ways to practice communication
Making Connections
Everyone is intimidated by conversation with new people. Period.
Sometimes it helps to have a goal in mind when you know you might need to talk to people you don't know.
Try these goals out to see if they work for you:
1. Your goal is to show people that you are interested in them and want to understand what is important to them. You're not to appear a certain way, or get people to like you. Your goal is to let people know you like them.
2. Ask more questions than you answer. Social media is popular because everyone wants to be heard. You can even make it a game: every question you ask is +1, every time you answer, it's -1.
3. Your goal is to discover a connection between you and the other person. Build a bridge that links you and the other through verbal acts of active discovery. Why do you want to get out of bed in the morning? What passion motivates you? Do you share the same passion?
4. Your goal is learn something new. Everything can be interesting for its own sake; why not learn something new just for the sake of learning something new??
Once you have established this foundation of empathy, you can build a relationship by telling them about you and what you can offer.
Sometimes it helps to have a goal in mind when you know you might need to talk to people you don't know.
Try these goals out to see if they work for you:
1. Your goal is to show people that you are interested in them and want to understand what is important to them. You're not to appear a certain way, or get people to like you. Your goal is to let people know you like them.
2. Ask more questions than you answer. Social media is popular because everyone wants to be heard. You can even make it a game: every question you ask is +1, every time you answer, it's -1.
3. Your goal is to discover a connection between you and the other person. Build a bridge that links you and the other through verbal acts of active discovery. Why do you want to get out of bed in the morning? What passion motivates you? Do you share the same passion?
4. Your goal is learn something new. Everything can be interesting for its own sake; why not learn something new just for the sake of learning something new??
Once you have established this foundation of empathy, you can build a relationship by telling them about you and what you can offer.
Humor
We all know that humor plays many roles in our lives. Not only is it useful to entertain and to amuse, but it can also serve to break the ice and put people at ease.
Laughing can help reduce stress and anxiety by releasing endorphins and relaxing your muscles, while also enhancing your mood and self-esteem. It can also boost your immune system and cardiovascular health, increase creativity and productivity, strengthen your rapport with others, and resolve conflicts.
All of these benefits come from having a positive outlook, improved blood flow, enhanced memory, empathy, authenticity, flexibility, and offering new perspectives.
It can make awkward or tense situations better. For this reason, it's a good way to practice communicating!
Laughing can help reduce stress and anxiety by releasing endorphins and relaxing your muscles, while also enhancing your mood and self-esteem. It can also boost your immune system and cardiovascular health, increase creativity and productivity, strengthen your rapport with others, and resolve conflicts.
All of these benefits come from having a positive outlook, improved blood flow, enhanced memory, empathy, authenticity, flexibility, and offering new perspectives.
It can make awkward or tense situations better. For this reason, it's a good way to practice communicating!
- Keep it in your pocket. Find a few simple items, such as photos, or a couple of words written down that remind you of something that makes you laugh. Then hang them up at home or collect them in a notebook. Collect funny movies, TV shows, books, magazines, comedy videos, or podcasts. Remember these when things get tense or use them to train you brain to be funny!
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Find a way to laugh about your own situations and watch your stress begin to fade away. Even if it feels forced at first, practice laughing. It does your body good.
"You have to laugh at yourself or you'll cry your eyes out" is something we say often. When there's no one around to share your laughs in an awkward or uncomfortable situation, try composing a funny story about it in your head to tell someone later. - Share a laugh. Make it a habit to spend time with friends who make you laugh. And then return the favor by sharing funny stories or jokes with those around you.
- Knock, knock. Browse through your local bookstore or library's selection of joke books and add a few jokes to your list that you can share with friends.
- Know what isn't funny. Don't laugh at the expense of others. Some forms of humor aren't appropriate. Use your best judgment to discern a good joke from a bad or hurtful one.
Conversation Skills
A lot of times we don't know how to start conversations or how to keep them going. This is the very hardest part of social anxiety. You just don't think to start conversations with other people. Knowing what to say, when to say it, and how loud you have to be to drown out all the one million red alarms telling you to run.
A lot of times we don't know how to start conversations or how to keep them going. This is the very hardest part of social anxiety. You just don't think to start conversations with other people. Knowing what to say, when to say it, and how loud you have to be to drown out all the one million red alarms telling you to run.
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Fortunately, though, the basics of good conversation aren’t too hard to master. Just Remember FADE A-F-R.
In general, there are four main topics that are appropriate for starting a conversation in just about any setting: family, activities, dreams, and expectations (FADE). If you’re wondering how to structure this kind of conversation, one safe script to follow is A-F-R: ask, follow up, relate. So you A-F-R a FADE. Got it? Here are 20 more tips on keeping the conversation going: |
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
One of the easiest yet most effective ways to open up conversation is to ask open-ended questions instead of closed-ended ones. Closed-ended questions like "Do you attend these events often?" or "Are you employed in the financial sector?" prompt a quick "yes" or "no" unless the person wants to elaborate further. Therefore, ask questions like these when you want to maintain the conversation:
"What's the speech-writing process like?"
"How did you get your start in the publishing industry?"
"What advice would you give to someone who wanted a career in finance?"
"What's it like traveling for your job all the time?"
2. Ask follow-up questions
Follow-up questions are those that you ask after the initial question about topics that the speaker brings up in their answer. This is a great way to keep a conversation going, and it shows your interest in what the other person has to say. Asking good follow-up questions requires you to listen attentively and remember small details. For example:
"How did you get into skiing?"
"My parents are big skiers and they brought me along."
"That's awesome. What skills do you work on?"
3. Include a story or example when asked questions
Elaborating on answers that would otherwise be "yes" or "no" gives you the chance to lengthen the conversation and inspire follow-up questions from the listener. For example, if someone asks you if you're from the area, you could say something like this:
"No, I am from New York and this kind of cold weather is making me take a good look at the map. Where are you from?"
4. Compliment the other person
If you aren't sure what to say next, compliment the person's hairstyle, clothes or one of their accomplishments you know about. This helps you keep the conversation going as it allows the other person to speak more about an item, and it allows you to ask more questions. Here are a couple of ways you can do this:
"Your presentation was good. How did you get so good at public speaking?"
"I love your Maryland hat. Do you go there often?"
6. Use your body language
When engaging in conversation with someone, it can be helpful to angle your body towards them, maintain eye contact and lean in their direction. This helps demonstrate your interest in what they have to say. If you consistently look to the side or angle yourself away from them, they might take this as a sign that you need to go do something else.
7. Take advantage of where you are to develop conversation topics
This is a good strategy if you aren't sure how to connect with someone and maintain a steady flow of conversation as it takes the focus off of you and them. For example:
"This is such a unique event space. Have you been here before?"
"Did you go to that new place??! What would you recommend?"
8. Offer information about yourself to introduce trivial questions about the other person
If you feel like you're doing most of the talking, you can use a question to encourage the other person to share information about themselves or their thoughts. These are some examples:
"I'm from North Dakota. Where are you from?"
"I love snowboarding. What do you do on the weekends?"
"My name is Jordan. What's yours?"
9. Bring up appropriate current events
If you're speaking with someone from your area, you can use appropriate current events to continue your conversation. This could include an upcoming seasonal event in your area, a new restaurant or another subject. Here are some examples of how to use current events to keep your conversation going:
"Have you been to the October festival on 7th street yet?"
"I saw they just opened an Italian restaurant and I've been wanting to go. I love Italian food. Have you gone there yet? What kind of food is your favorite?”
"Were you stuck in the traffic on 15 today?"
10. Say what you're thinking
When speaking with someone you don't know well, you might feel like you have to maintain a sense of formality around them. However, sometimes saying what you think (within reason) can help the conversation continue. Here are some examples of appropriate statements to make:
"This cake is delicious."
"I can't wait until the weather gets warmer."
"I'm so excited about our upcoming field trip."
11. Introduce them to another person
If you want to keep the conversation going but you can tell you're running out of things to say, bring another person into the conversation. A third person can help you develop new topics of conversation to discuss.
12. Be Curious
One invisible way to keep the conversation going is to consciously reframe your mindset to one of curiosity.
Instead of making judgments on how your conversation counterparty is responding, or mentally preparing your next response, listen to your co-converser with curiosity. This will help you stay engaged in the conversation and can help subconsciously elicit more thorough candid responses.
Just remember to be sincere with this strategy. Curious can turn into creepy pretty quickly if you aren’t mindful about how and when you ask follow-up questions.
13. Find Common Ground
To keep a conversation going, find common ground early in the conversation, if you can. This can mean shared experiences, beliefs, or interests, and is usually discovered during small talk.
Research before the conversation can help you know how to proceed with icebreakers that will help you find commonality.
Finding common ground can help the prospect get to know you a little bit better as an individual, which helps with building trust.
14. Mirror the Other Person
Mirroring the person you’re talking to — that is, subtly mimicking their body language, verbal cues, or personality traits — can sometimes help someone feel more connected to you.
Mirroring can look like any of the following:
Matching body language with subtle cues like leaning in when they do so, or matching facial expressions during conversation
Sharing enthusiasm for something they seem excited about
Engaging in a conversation with a matching level of congeniality or formality
Take note that this is another area where you should proceed with caution. While very subtle mirroring can be effective in building rapport, anything even remotely over the top can end up making things awkward in a hurry.
15. Use Active Listening
Active listening is one of the most important components of a conversation. It involves listening not only to hear a speaker’s words but to truly understand their message in its entirety.
16. Find Mutual Interests
Another easy way to build rapport and trust is to find an interest that you both have in common.
This doesn’t have to be related to school or what you’re currently doing; in fact, in many cases, it’s better to find something that’s not related to those things, as it can help break the ice more casually. Some quick common-sense observations can help drum up ideas. Do they have any bumper stickers or logo clothes on? Any book or game that they’re holding or talking about? Ask about the things you like and see if they’re into it.
To the best of your ability, use the various tools at your disposal to bridge the gap.
Making connections that bridge the gap includes offering a tried-and-true piece of advice; or otherwise being generous with your time, information, or other resources.
But “bridging the gap” can be even simpler than that. You can work toward this purpose by asking about what causes they support, or what they value, professionally or personally.
In short, find out what matters to them and try to speak to it through the course of conversation.
17. Tell a Story
Humans are biologically wired to tune into storytelling.
Stories help keep conversations lively and engaging, and simultaneously help your co-speaker get to know you better.
It’s a good idea to have two or three universally-appealing stories rehearsed and ready to tell. Just remember to keep them short and sweet, and try to make sure they have a point.
18. Give & Ask for Recommendations or Advice
One of the most effective ways to build rapport in the middle of a conversation is to ask for and/or offer recommendations or advice.
When you’re able to offer a suggestion or solution in the middle of a conversation, it can make you seem like someone who has a lot of knowledge and who can be trusted.
Asking for advice or a recommendation, on the other hand, can demonstrate that you value their interests and input and trust what they have to say.
19. Appear Confident
Regardless of the spoken objective of any given conversation, most people are in it according to their own agenda. Everyone with whom you have a conversation has their own personal objectives and will judge your contribution to the conversation accordingly.
The more confident you seem, the more likely your co-speaker will be to invest time into what you have to say. If you can give them the impression that a conversation with you will offer them an advantage or other takeaway, they will be more likely to give you their time.
One of the easiest yet most effective ways to open up conversation is to ask open-ended questions instead of closed-ended ones. Closed-ended questions like "Do you attend these events often?" or "Are you employed in the financial sector?" prompt a quick "yes" or "no" unless the person wants to elaborate further. Therefore, ask questions like these when you want to maintain the conversation:
"What's the speech-writing process like?"
"How did you get your start in the publishing industry?"
"What advice would you give to someone who wanted a career in finance?"
"What's it like traveling for your job all the time?"
2. Ask follow-up questions
Follow-up questions are those that you ask after the initial question about topics that the speaker brings up in their answer. This is a great way to keep a conversation going, and it shows your interest in what the other person has to say. Asking good follow-up questions requires you to listen attentively and remember small details. For example:
"How did you get into skiing?"
"My parents are big skiers and they brought me along."
"That's awesome. What skills do you work on?"
3. Include a story or example when asked questions
Elaborating on answers that would otherwise be "yes" or "no" gives you the chance to lengthen the conversation and inspire follow-up questions from the listener. For example, if someone asks you if you're from the area, you could say something like this:
"No, I am from New York and this kind of cold weather is making me take a good look at the map. Where are you from?"
4. Compliment the other person
If you aren't sure what to say next, compliment the person's hairstyle, clothes or one of their accomplishments you know about. This helps you keep the conversation going as it allows the other person to speak more about an item, and it allows you to ask more questions. Here are a couple of ways you can do this:
"Your presentation was good. How did you get so good at public speaking?"
"I love your Maryland hat. Do you go there often?"
6. Use your body language
When engaging in conversation with someone, it can be helpful to angle your body towards them, maintain eye contact and lean in their direction. This helps demonstrate your interest in what they have to say. If you consistently look to the side or angle yourself away from them, they might take this as a sign that you need to go do something else.
7. Take advantage of where you are to develop conversation topics
This is a good strategy if you aren't sure how to connect with someone and maintain a steady flow of conversation as it takes the focus off of you and them. For example:
"This is such a unique event space. Have you been here before?"
"Did you go to that new place??! What would you recommend?"
8. Offer information about yourself to introduce trivial questions about the other person
If you feel like you're doing most of the talking, you can use a question to encourage the other person to share information about themselves or their thoughts. These are some examples:
"I'm from North Dakota. Where are you from?"
"I love snowboarding. What do you do on the weekends?"
"My name is Jordan. What's yours?"
9. Bring up appropriate current events
If you're speaking with someone from your area, you can use appropriate current events to continue your conversation. This could include an upcoming seasonal event in your area, a new restaurant or another subject. Here are some examples of how to use current events to keep your conversation going:
"Have you been to the October festival on 7th street yet?"
"I saw they just opened an Italian restaurant and I've been wanting to go. I love Italian food. Have you gone there yet? What kind of food is your favorite?”
"Were you stuck in the traffic on 15 today?"
10. Say what you're thinking
When speaking with someone you don't know well, you might feel like you have to maintain a sense of formality around them. However, sometimes saying what you think (within reason) can help the conversation continue. Here are some examples of appropriate statements to make:
"This cake is delicious."
"I can't wait until the weather gets warmer."
"I'm so excited about our upcoming field trip."
11. Introduce them to another person
If you want to keep the conversation going but you can tell you're running out of things to say, bring another person into the conversation. A third person can help you develop new topics of conversation to discuss.
12. Be Curious
One invisible way to keep the conversation going is to consciously reframe your mindset to one of curiosity.
Instead of making judgments on how your conversation counterparty is responding, or mentally preparing your next response, listen to your co-converser with curiosity. This will help you stay engaged in the conversation and can help subconsciously elicit more thorough candid responses.
Just remember to be sincere with this strategy. Curious can turn into creepy pretty quickly if you aren’t mindful about how and when you ask follow-up questions.
13. Find Common Ground
To keep a conversation going, find common ground early in the conversation, if you can. This can mean shared experiences, beliefs, or interests, and is usually discovered during small talk.
Research before the conversation can help you know how to proceed with icebreakers that will help you find commonality.
Finding common ground can help the prospect get to know you a little bit better as an individual, which helps with building trust.
14. Mirror the Other Person
Mirroring the person you’re talking to — that is, subtly mimicking their body language, verbal cues, or personality traits — can sometimes help someone feel more connected to you.
Mirroring can look like any of the following:
Matching body language with subtle cues like leaning in when they do so, or matching facial expressions during conversation
Sharing enthusiasm for something they seem excited about
Engaging in a conversation with a matching level of congeniality or formality
Take note that this is another area where you should proceed with caution. While very subtle mirroring can be effective in building rapport, anything even remotely over the top can end up making things awkward in a hurry.
15. Use Active Listening
Active listening is one of the most important components of a conversation. It involves listening not only to hear a speaker’s words but to truly understand their message in its entirety.
16. Find Mutual Interests
Another easy way to build rapport and trust is to find an interest that you both have in common.
This doesn’t have to be related to school or what you’re currently doing; in fact, in many cases, it’s better to find something that’s not related to those things, as it can help break the ice more casually. Some quick common-sense observations can help drum up ideas. Do they have any bumper stickers or logo clothes on? Any book or game that they’re holding or talking about? Ask about the things you like and see if they’re into it.
To the best of your ability, use the various tools at your disposal to bridge the gap.
Making connections that bridge the gap includes offering a tried-and-true piece of advice; or otherwise being generous with your time, information, or other resources.
But “bridging the gap” can be even simpler than that. You can work toward this purpose by asking about what causes they support, or what they value, professionally or personally.
In short, find out what matters to them and try to speak to it through the course of conversation.
17. Tell a Story
Humans are biologically wired to tune into storytelling.
Stories help keep conversations lively and engaging, and simultaneously help your co-speaker get to know you better.
It’s a good idea to have two or three universally-appealing stories rehearsed and ready to tell. Just remember to keep them short and sweet, and try to make sure they have a point.
18. Give & Ask for Recommendations or Advice
One of the most effective ways to build rapport in the middle of a conversation is to ask for and/or offer recommendations or advice.
When you’re able to offer a suggestion or solution in the middle of a conversation, it can make you seem like someone who has a lot of knowledge and who can be trusted.
Asking for advice or a recommendation, on the other hand, can demonstrate that you value their interests and input and trust what they have to say.
19. Appear Confident
Regardless of the spoken objective of any given conversation, most people are in it according to their own agenda. Everyone with whom you have a conversation has their own personal objectives and will judge your contribution to the conversation accordingly.
The more confident you seem, the more likely your co-speaker will be to invest time into what you have to say. If you can give them the impression that a conversation with you will offer them an advantage or other takeaway, they will be more likely to give you their time.
20. Use Free Association
This is when you link words and ideas to stories or information. You’d be surprised at how much you really do know about a topic; you simply need to learn how to quickly retrieve that knowledge to ask questions.
It happens to all of us: maybe a word created a vivid picture in your mind about something you think is unrelated and you start thinking about it. Instead of trying to refocus, turn the thing your brain pulled out of storage into a question or story.
If you can start using this technique of using your own varied knowledge to build bridges with others, soon they will be asking about you. And then it will be your turn to shine.
This is when you link words and ideas to stories or information. You’d be surprised at how much you really do know about a topic; you simply need to learn how to quickly retrieve that knowledge to ask questions.
It happens to all of us: maybe a word created a vivid picture in your mind about something you think is unrelated and you start thinking about it. Instead of trying to refocus, turn the thing your brain pulled out of storage into a question or story.
If you can start using this technique of using your own varied knowledge to build bridges with others, soon they will be asking about you. And then it will be your turn to shine.
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