Respect
Respect is a fundamental value that involves treating others with dignity, consideration, and kindness. It is crucial for social emotional development because it helps you develop empathy, perspective-taking, and positive communication skills.
According to the Greater Goods Science Center, there are two types of respect: ought (I ought to do it) and affective (how you feel about a person).
Ought-respect comes from a way of thinking, not feeling—it’s what we think we ought to do to show respect. Ought-respect is a general idea about showing regard to others. You learn ought-respect from parents or teachers.
In contrast, affective-respect comes from how you feel toward another person. With affective respect, you notice a behavior or trait of another person and expressing awe for them.
Put simply—respect involves both head and heart; ought-respect is mostly head and affective respect is mostly heart.
Respect is an important part of conflict resolution. You cannot resolve conflict without respect!
According to the Greater Goods Science Center, there are two types of respect: ought (I ought to do it) and affective (how you feel about a person).
Ought-respect comes from a way of thinking, not feeling—it’s what we think we ought to do to show respect. Ought-respect is a general idea about showing regard to others. You learn ought-respect from parents or teachers.
In contrast, affective-respect comes from how you feel toward another person. With affective respect, you notice a behavior or trait of another person and expressing awe for them.
Put simply—respect involves both head and heart; ought-respect is mostly head and affective respect is mostly heart.
Respect is an important part of conflict resolution. You cannot resolve conflict without respect!
Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution refers to the ability to find peaceful solutions to disagreements and conflicts.
There are so many stinking challenges when dealing with conflicts: managing our emotions, understanding different perspectives, and finding constructive ways to resolve disagreements.
But, when you have anxiety, meeting your own needs feels like Conflict. If you have to go to the bathroom after a 2 hour bus ride, but the teacher is reviewing the rules, you feel pushed to the brink and it feels like Conflict.
Learning mindful approaches to conflict resolution can empower you with the tools you need to navigate conflicts in a healthy and productive manner.
Conflict comes in two sets: a Big Problem, and a Big Problem Involving Others. We are mostly talking about Big Problems Involving Others. These skills can be used for both types of problems, and your In the Moment Strategies work well in all cases.
Learning effective communication and Being Assertive also helps you to feel better equipped to stand up for yourself and meet your own needs.
There are so many stinking challenges when dealing with conflicts: managing our emotions, understanding different perspectives, and finding constructive ways to resolve disagreements.
But, when you have anxiety, meeting your own needs feels like Conflict. If you have to go to the bathroom after a 2 hour bus ride, but the teacher is reviewing the rules, you feel pushed to the brink and it feels like Conflict.
Learning mindful approaches to conflict resolution can empower you with the tools you need to navigate conflicts in a healthy and productive manner.
Conflict comes in two sets: a Big Problem, and a Big Problem Involving Others. We are mostly talking about Big Problems Involving Others. These skills can be used for both types of problems, and your In the Moment Strategies work well in all cases.
Learning effective communication and Being Assertive also helps you to feel better equipped to stand up for yourself and meet your own needs.
Conflict Style
What do you do when there is a conflict?
• Avoiding--Issue and relationship both are insignificant (OR you have social anxiety and would rather just not engage).
• Accommodating--Relationship is more important than the issue.
• Forcing--The issue is more important than the relationship.
• Compromising--Cooperation is important (give a little, get a little).
• Collaborating--Relationship and issue are both important (takes more time).
Turtle behaviour (Avoiding)
When acting as a turtle, people tend to hide in their shells in an attempt to avoid conflict and confrontation. This avoidance might be more important to them than their goal or the relationship. Sometimes, when people are being a turtle, they will give up on their goal or end a relationship rather than face up to the conflict or issue. It can involve a decision that, at this time, it is better to avoid conflict that to confront it.
Examples of when being a turtle might be appropriate include:
When acting as a shark, people are more concerned about their goal than the relationships. If they must choose, they will often choose their goal at the cost of the relationship. Being a shark often involves using authority or power-over, ignoring or intimidating others, or using threats or violence. There can be times when a goal is more important than the relationship.
Examples of when being a shark might be appropriate include:
When acting as a teddy bear, people value the relationship more than their goal. If they must choose, they will often give up their goals to help maintain their relationships or to support other people. Sometimes people acting as teddy bears believe that sticking up for their goals in a conflict will damage a relationship, so they let the other person have their way. Sometimes, they are willing to set aside their goals because they believe the value to the relationship is greater than the benefits of achieving their goals.
Examples of when being a teddy bear might be appropriate include:
When acting as a fox, people are moderately concerned about both their goals and relationships. In seeking a compromise, they are willing to give up some of their goals in return for the other person giving up some of their goals. They seek a middle ground where both sides gain something.
Examples of when being a fox might be appropriate include:
When acting as an owl, people value both their goals and their relations: they respect their own goals and care about the other persons goals. As an owl, conflicts are seen as a problem that can be solved (rather than a competition) and as having the potential to strengthen relationships. The aim is approach conflict in ways that helps build the relation and discovers ways forward that satisfy everybody involved. This is often called a win-win approach.
Examples of when being an owl might be appropriate include:
While each of these styles can be helpful, if we are largely stuck in one of the first four styles, then we are likely to be either not meeting our own needs or damaging our relationships. Being an owl take practice and persistence, but it involves attitudes, skills and approaches that can be learned and strengthened (From sustaining community blog).
• Avoiding--Issue and relationship both are insignificant (OR you have social anxiety and would rather just not engage).
• Accommodating--Relationship is more important than the issue.
• Forcing--The issue is more important than the relationship.
• Compromising--Cooperation is important (give a little, get a little).
• Collaborating--Relationship and issue are both important (takes more time).
Turtle behaviour (Avoiding)
When acting as a turtle, people tend to hide in their shells in an attempt to avoid conflict and confrontation. This avoidance might be more important to them than their goal or the relationship. Sometimes, when people are being a turtle, they will give up on their goal or end a relationship rather than face up to the conflict or issue. It can involve a decision that, at this time, it is better to avoid conflict that to confront it.
Examples of when being a turtle might be appropriate include:
- When the goal or relationship is not important to you
- When confronting the issue is unlikely to make any difference
- When the costs of confronting the issue are greater than any benefits
- When it could be better to wait until things cool down, there is more information or other things have been addressed first.
When acting as a shark, people are more concerned about their goal than the relationships. If they must choose, they will often choose their goal at the cost of the relationship. Being a shark often involves using authority or power-over, ignoring or intimidating others, or using threats or violence. There can be times when a goal is more important than the relationship.
Examples of when being a shark might be appropriate include:
- When facing an emergency or a decision needs to be made very quickly
- When the stakes are very high, and the potential consequences are significant
- When you are being stood over, threatened, or treated unjustly.
When acting as a teddy bear, people value the relationship more than their goal. If they must choose, they will often give up their goals to help maintain their relationships or to support other people. Sometimes people acting as teddy bears believe that sticking up for their goals in a conflict will damage a relationship, so they let the other person have their way. Sometimes, they are willing to set aside their goals because they believe the value to the relationship is greater than the benefits of achieving their goals.
Examples of when being a teddy bear might be appropriate include:
- When the issue is more important to the other person than to you
- When strengthening relationships are more important than achieving specific goals
- When the other person needs some care and nurture
- When you have little hope of achieving your goals and you can accept the consequences
When acting as a fox, people are moderately concerned about both their goals and relationships. In seeking a compromise, they are willing to give up some of their goals in return for the other person giving up some of their goals. They seek a middle ground where both sides gain something.
Examples of when being a fox might be appropriate include:
- When you don’t have the time to keep going until everybody’s goals can be met
- When a compromise is OK
- When there is a history of mistrust and long-term conflict
- When compromising helps to move on with a complex issue.
When acting as an owl, people value both their goals and their relations: they respect their own goals and care about the other persons goals. As an owl, conflicts are seen as a problem that can be solved (rather than a competition) and as having the potential to strengthen relationships. The aim is approach conflict in ways that helps build the relation and discovers ways forward that satisfy everybody involved. This is often called a win-win approach.
Examples of when being an owl might be appropriate include:
- When your goals and your relationships are both important
- When you want to strengthen your relationships without compromising your needs or goals
- When outcomes depend on everybody’s commitment
- When you need to work through difficult issues that have been damaging relationships
While each of these styles can be helpful, if we are largely stuck in one of the first four styles, then we are likely to be either not meeting our own needs or damaging our relationships. Being an owl take practice and persistence, but it involves attitudes, skills and approaches that can be learned and strengthened (From sustaining community blog).
How to be More Assertive
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When you're anxious, communicating your needs becomes an impossible task. You avoid conflict, so you keep quiet and suffer in silence. You can build up a wall of resentment that's higher than our atmosphere.
BUT, if you learn Assertive Communication, you can avoid the pitfalls of built up emotions. Click on the box to learn more. |
One on One Conflict Resolution
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Dealing with conflicts on a one-to-one basis:
STEP 1: COOL OFF The very first step is to calm down. This sounds obvious, but very often we rush past this step and try to problem-solve before everyone is ready. TAKE TIME! Issues can’t be dealt with unless emotions are worked through. In both individual and group situations, the long-term relationship is generally more important than the conflict. Also, the process of conflict resolution is as important as the content. A resolution in which one party is the winner and the other party is the loser is no resolution. STEP 2: COMMUNICATE
This step requires you to listen, check they understood, and share your perspective. This is the hardest step. When it's your turn to listen and check, you need to work on reflective listening and paraphrasing. To encourage, and guarantee, that you are truly listening and trying to understand the other person's perspective, you will paraphrase what the other person said, like "I think I heard you say you feel ..." or "So you want me to try to ...". When it is your turn to share your perspective, it's really helpful to use an I-Message to communicate in a way that is respectful but assertive. “I felt embarrassed when you posted that on Instagram” is better than, “You posted that picture just to embarrass me!” "I feel sad when you don't include me because I am alone." |
STEP 3: PERSPECTIVE AND RESPONSIBILITY
Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for you to practice taking a mental step back.
Could you have done something differently to change what happened?
Did you react because of something that has nothing to do with the situation?
Did you jump to conclusions?
Accept responsibility for your part.
Conflicts often feel enormous and immediate, which can make it hard to keep perspective on the situation. To find useful solutions, it’s important for you to practice taking a mental step back.
- Think beyond this one incident.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Imagining what the other person is feeling is a great way to help you develop empathy. Depending on the situation, it might also make sense for you to talk over the issue with the other person and make a point of listening actively — without interrupting.
- Consider the context. The time and place of the conflict will often dictate how you respond to it, as will the nature of their relationship to the other person. In particular, conflicts with adults will often look different from conflicts with other kids.Taking a step back to consider all the dynamics of a situation will set you up to navigate the conflict more successfully.
Could you have done something differently to change what happened?
Did you react because of something that has nothing to do with the situation?
Did you jump to conclusions?
Accept responsibility for your part.
STEP 4: BRAINSTORM & CHOOSE SOLUTIONS
Always try to think of solutions that are win-win for everyone. Use creative thinking strategies to Get Creative.
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