The five FATAL thinking errors that cause us to become angry:
Frustration When you are prevented from doing something you want to do. Frustrations often lead to anger. Annoyances When things such as repeated noises or interruptions get on your nerves. Barking dogs, equipment breakdowns, lots of chattering and other repeated annoyances can lead to anger. Unfairness When you think you have been treated unfairly. If we believe someone is unjust or unfair to us, it's easy to become angry. Hurt When you are verbally or physically hurt. When people put us down, call us names, or get physical with us it often leads to anger. Disappointments When you are disappointed in your behavior or the behavior of others. When you think someone has let you down or you have let yourself down it can lead to anger.
Perception –> Thoughts –> Feelings –> Response
FAILURE Self-Talk: We tell ourselves we ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be a certain way. When we don’t behave in accordance with these rules, we tell ourselves we are a failure. Approach: Question the set of “unwritten” rules you have for yourself. Ask yourself where they came from. Realistically look at what happens if you violate your rule (does the world really come to an end?). Talk-back: “Who says?” “Be flexible” “Can too (do it this way)"
ASSUMPTIONS Self-Talk: Often we “mind read” others. When we do this we make assumptions about why they are doing or saying things to us. Usually the things we assume about their motives tend to make us angry. Approach: Look at the other person's behavior. Look for the assumptions you are making. Ask them for their reasoning. Talk-back: “Investigate!” “What’s the deal?” “How do I know?”
RULES In our heads we carry a set of “rules” we expect others to follow. These rules play inside our heads like a song that you can't stop singing. When others don’t follow these “rules”, we can become upset. Self-Talk: We tell ourselves we ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be a certain way. When we don’t behave in accordance with these rules, we tell ourselves we are a failure, which makes us angry. Approach: Question the set of “unwritten” rules you have for yourself. Ask yourself where they came from. Realistically look at what happens if you violate your rule (does the world really come to an end?). Talk-back: “Who says?” “Be flexible” “Can too (do it this way) (client suggestions)
AMPLIFICATION Self-Talk: When disturbing things happen, we tend to make them seem more significant than they really are. We do this by amplifying the bad consequences that may occur. Approach: Take a realistic view of the situation. Do a risk assessment and decide what the realistic odds are that this will result in disaster. Stop using words like “terrible, disaster, awful, worst thing…”. Talk-back: “Don’t exaggerate!” “Check it out!” “What are the odds?” “I can deal with it!” (client suggestions)
Approach: Listen for the “song" that is playing in your head. Question the rules Where did they come from? Think about them and ask yourself if you agree with them (we often don’t – they are more habit than well thought out). Talk-back: “Get a grip” “Be flexible” “What’s the harm?” (client suggestions)
LABELING Self-Talk: Labeling others or calling them names such as “Jerk” or “Idiot” only increases our anger toward them. We judge them by a single incident rather than as a whole person. Approach: Stop name-calling. Look at the big picture. Analyze the behavior, not the person. Think about times the person was OK Talk-back: “What, not who” “Not always true” (the label) “Bad act, good person” “Think Big Picture” (client suggestions)
How difficult are these thinking errors are to detect? Super Hard.
They are private. We say them to ourselves but seldom say them to anyone else. We say things like “This is terrible, it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to me”, or “I looked like a real fool, nobody will ever like me again now”.
They are ‘automatic’. They happen so quickly we don’t even notice we are saying them to ourselves. Part of this ‘automatic-ness’ is because we believe them to be true.
They are usually brief. We say things like “it’s over” and understand it to mean:
“This is it. I will lose my school place over this. I probably won’t be able to get another school this good again. I will probably go to jail. What am I going to do? This is terrible. I don’t think I can handle this. Everyone will hate me.”
They usually forecast the “end of the world”. One catastrophic thought leads to another and another.
Because they are so brief and so depressing in nature, they are very difficult to turn off. They seem to repeat themselves and lead to other negative or pessimistic self-talk statements.